Trying

 

 

Trying 

 

I’m trying not to get upset.

   Unreasonable emotion disturbs me, makes me feel like a fifteen year old girl with no options or solutions.

   I’m trying not to get upset because I work on different time zones then everyone else and I believe in candor and communication and frankly you can tell me you only want to be my friend cause 

   I don’t have that much invested yet and 

   unlike most people’s perceptions of me, I don’t baulk at someone telling me the truth or treating me with honesty cause integrity is better than mockery which is for your benefit and not mine.

   And I hate that I’m wining because it’s distracting me from my schedule and routine and this is a perfect reason why I choose ONLY to be friends cause

    everything else turns into a mess full of pain and I’ve plenty of that already. So please speak to me rationally like an adult capable of grown up conversation cause I hate games – 

    but I know how to play them 

    and yet I’m still trying not to get upset and saying stuff that I’ll regret, 

like “this is all cool ‘cause I don’t really like you and I don’t really care” but that’s all filler and it’s not getting to the root of the problem which generally speaking 

involves not making me wonder

    and wait 

    and analyze and examine every moment we’ve shared, every touch of your hand cause I’m trying not to get upset.

but you’re the one getting me there and  

     I’d appreciate you terminating me from this class cause I did not sign up for the lecture. 

Cause bullshit 101 turns into heartache 304 and what I really need is handholding 105, relationship 206 and 

hot sex 409.

       So if you’re not willing to provide me with at least part of that curriculum then sweetie I don’t want to pay for the tuition.  

 

- Sasha

Pretzel

 

 

Pretzel

The satisfying crunch of the pretzels in my mouth sooths me,

Yes, its after 1 in the morning,

Yes, I had laboriously brushed and flossed my teeth earlier,

Taken pains to chew eclipse, believing them when they promised me immediate breath control to offset the smell and taste of the onions I ate on my veggie burger earlier this evening because I felt certain that the attention I had already given my mouth had not been zealous enough and a piece of gum was that extra bit of clean.

Yet I continued munching away. Letting every piece of salt and pretzel stick on my gums, lay between my teeth and negate the pains I had taken with them just some short hours before.

It was pointless now, I reasoned, and I had no cause to have minty, fresh, clean mouth because she didn’t come. She did not call. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t care at all cause I had better things to do like…check my email…every…two.. minutes…and complete a row of knitting… then get bored and put it back down…flip the channels over and over and .. over again cause I did not notice that I was alone. But frankly I wanted her here and it disappoints me she didn’t come or call and I don’t know at all what’s going on cause I’m in the dark and feeling not very smart cause I don’t like that my room is as clean as my mouth was just a few minutes ago cause she was going to call and come and sit on my floor which I had vacuumed, for the 2nd time in 5 months, so that we could play Scrabble and laugh and blast my mp3s but that’s not what happened…to me 

And I’m still chewing cause food is a comfort as much as we all hate to admit but I want to close the bag I just opened cause it was meant to be a snack for us both when she came over cause I knew I had no food in my room and pretzels then just had to do. They were meant to be a casual treat that would leave our hands clean to make letters into words that we would put on the board that you claimed was your favorite game of all. 

Perhaps flirting with As and Bs but I’ve opened the bag by myself and I’m not very hungry yet I keep munching away anyway cause I am alone and I thought tonight would map itself out differently and I’m not angry or hurt just disappointed and curious. She was the first in a while who I had yet to find fault with and it was a jolt cause I notice things quickly and she just seemed cool but I’ve only known her a second and though that second was brief, I managed to learn a thing or two about her. Enough that I could push through my nerves and insecurities to say “how about I kiss you” in that parked car where anyone could see and smiled when she surreptitiously replied “how about I kiss you back.” 

And we played with the black toy cat hanging from her rearview mirror unsure who should lean in first cause she still had her seat belt on and maybe it was I who made that first move, no…on second thought I recall it was mutual. [And] two things were certain afterwards she…did have a tongue ring and I would have to take pains to brush thoroughly the next night cause she were coming over. And I held up my end of the bargain…but she failed to arrive and fresh breath was for naught and as I sit here writing this, my carpet free of debris, I take another pretzel from the bag and crunch down on it, hard. 

 

- Sasha 

 

MLR

 

mlr 

 

Recognition, 

of my own volition, 

that I have privileges that are uniquely my own 

and I own 

that they’re not always earned 

and I’ve learned 

that others aren’t that lucky. 

Cause 

it’s all about luck and I have aplenty. 

I am privileged; 

society’s god-child. 

With a future as wide as the sunset. 

Coffee with a lot of cream; 

my color is a cup of Java half full of half ‘n half and I profit 

from the randomness of my birth and though 

I am not apologetic and will not 

be made to feel guilty

I have 

been made aware and 

I swear that I will not forget…

I will not forget and 

I will not stand blind, 

I have a mind to expand my comfort zone and 

let uncomfortable notions of white-privilege in, and 

though I’m not always a person of privilege being a 

‘not-so-straight,’ Jewish immigrant grrl. 

I am white and with that come advantages and I 

know that I can afford to be color blind cause I 

don’t have to stop and force myself to recognize that …

color is still an issue.

-  Sasha

Word 4 Word, Vol. 2

 

 

Photo by Moriah Lancaster

W4W – Word 4 Word

 

Note: This month’s W4W was written on an actual stopped trolley.  The writers had to evacuate the train and walk four blocks through the underground subway tunnel to exit because there was a fire in a trolley car up ahead.   

 

“I can’t believe I’m stuck on this subway train – with her!”  Jane thought.

“I wonder what would happen if we started having sex.  I mean, the train is stopped, what’s the worst that could happen?”  Jess thought and glanced at Jane.

As she hopelessly stared out the darkened window, Jane felt a warm hand settle on her thigh.

“I’m at least going to cop a feel!” Jess declared in her head and snaked her hand over to Jane’s thigh, just below where her skirt ended.  

“Woah, now,” Jane yelled as she jumped, alerting the other passengers to the shenanigans of her seat companion.  A bum, sitting in a pair of piss-soaked pants that were possibly on backwards, grumbled at them.  

“Take it easy,” Jess said, comfortingly.  “I’ve been told I’ve got the golden touch.”  Jane looked bewildered at Jess and glanced around, desperately seeking another seat.  “You need to relax.  Chill out.  Really, it’s amazing how anxious you are about everything.”  

Jane looked at Jess a moment.  “Do I know you?”

“No, but I’m sure you want to under all that pretentious bitchiness,” Jess quickly spouted with a seductive smile.  Jane stared hard at Jess.  Jane, an upper-class woman in her mid-40’s, knew she should have never sat next to the lesbian.  Now she was stuck in this stinking, disgusting train with a tomboy perv.

Jess ran her fingers up and down Jane’s stockinged leg.  “Oh?  You’re not?”  

“No, I’m not,” Jane said, however deep down she wasn’t feeling quite as sure as she sounded.

 

Word 4 Word is: one person starts with a sentence, the next person adds on, so on and so forth.  W4W is a monthly short story collaboration in this style by RD and JD.  Want to keep the dream alive?  Send us your own additions to the story or W4W’s that you and others have come up with!